I have the best friends in the world. My family is pretty awesome, too! Support is crucial for a bereaved parent. Especially for those of us single moms. Our life turned upside down; we need anchors. This blog is about celebrating my angel’s birthday, and I am so grateful for the love and support on Lucas’ would-be 30th.
As any vilomah knows, there is never a second that our angel children are far from our thoughts. But special events, like birthdays and holidays, can be excruciating. The absence of our loved ones is magnified exponentially on these days, the sense of loss overwhelming. A part of us feels, ‘how can we celebrate, without __?’ (Fill in the blank with your child’s name). Maybe we feel guilty for any happiness we might eke out of the day.
My son’s birthday is squeezed in between the birthdays of a dear friend’s daughter and husband. As fate would have it, this year I was a guest in her home; laughing, eating lunch, celebrating with them was so life-affirming. Even though it was broad daylight, she made her annual commemoratory bonfire for Lucas. Her grandsons scampered around, collecting ‘firewood’, toasting marshmallows, and then we all sang Happy Birthday to Lucas in heaven. So poignant to hear their angelic, innocent voices. And again, of course, the tears mingled with the supreme joy of being with friends who knew and loved Lucas.
Later that day, another longtime friend and surrogate mama to both of my sons hosted a dinner in honor of Lucas. There were Pad Thai and tamales, because why not? There were Gin and Tonics. We told stories on her porch overlooking the skyline. Laughter and tears. And just like the first year after Lucas died, I baked him his favorite: brownies topped with M&M’s.
To all of you newly bereaved parents: I am so sorry. There are really no other words in the English, or any other language, to express such sorrow. But please know this. Some day, you will laugh again. Some day, you will raise a glass to friendship. Some day, you will double over in hysterics over the antics that your son or daughter pulled. And the tears will come then, too. Let them. You are building new memories.