Sometimes the posts write themselves. They flow out virtually unassisted. I just have to keep writing. This is not one of those posts. The month of March has been excruciatingly tough. I was sick for most of it, that cough-y, croup-y, achy sick that makes you wonder what being dead feels like. And we had a family emergency, that made me wonder the same thing.
But March also was the month of TWO suicides in nearby Parkland, of Marjorie Stoneman Douglas students. Thirteen months after the school massacre, 16-year old Calvin Desir and 19-year old Sydney Aiello apparently felt that taking their own lives was a better option than living in pain. This is heart-wrenching. Their friends and family are left in the wake, speechless and gut-punched. After the vigils, and the memorial services, and the teddy bears and the Facebook posts, a question keeps gnawing at us. With all the money and resources that were thrown at schools, especially MSD, after the shooting, why was suicide prevention NOT on the table? Why were students hearing well-intentioned but potentially dangerous advice like “The best thing is to get back to normal.” What normal?! These young people experienced trauma. They saw their friends gunned down in front of their eyes. They suffered unspeakable pain. Survivor’s guilt is just one of the obvious results of living through terror. How many more?
I am not a therapist, or a counselor, or in any way prepared to offer professional advice. But I do know how it feels to lose a loved one to sudden death. And I know that NOTHING is normal after that kind of loss.
I also know that the language surrounding suicide needs to change. Saying these young people Committed Suicide seems accusatory. Weirdly similar to committing an offense, or a faux pas. Or a CRIME. Suicide is not a crime. It is a tragic choice-not-a-choice that very desperate people make. It is preventable. And part of prevention is increased compassion about the deeply misunderstood topic of grief. Let’s commit to using gentler terminology when discussing suicide. In March 2019, two Stoneman Douglas students died tragically by suicide. They took their own lives. May Calvin and Sydney be forever remembered.